April 21, 2012

I've been doing so great lately except for the fact that there's no progress on my thesis. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I don't wanna let myself, my family, my friends, and everybody down. I need to finish college this year. But how am I supposed to do that if there's no urge that can whip my ass to get my thesis done?

I keep talking to people like.. "Oh, I'm sorry I can't go to your party because I have to finish my 3rd chapter." or "I'm afraid I can't come since I still have tons of work to do." or "Nope. Got thesis." with so much doubt and denial in my mind. I subconsciously give me and people an impression that I'm in the middle of a hectic situation where I'm actually not. I mean, I'm not entirely lying because I really do it, but it moves so slow. As slow as a snail on a turtle back. (whatever that means.)

I tried so many methods of studying in order to encourage me to write more but they're all miserably failed. It's not like I didn't try. Trust me, I DID. But there's like something, a force, that keeps me from being a productive senior college student. I don't wanna believe this superstitious thing and shit about my kos, but based on rumor around people here in Bandung, Pondok Flamboyan Bukit Indah Dalam will sort of 'trap' the residence to be an 'immortal student'. Yeah, that sounds so weird and lame. But lately I started to gather all these facts about my neighbors and saw the pattern. It creeps me out.

Anyways, I can't just sit here doing nothing but indulging myself with all these fun and happy stuffs. I have to do something. This is just like the other assignments I've done in like 15 years of my life as a student. I whined about it but I did it eventually. Then came another task and I whined again before I started do finish it. It all goes like that in a circle again and again. This just shows me that I've never learned. I should take this as the next challenge rather than make it as a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. But it's not like I have to postpone and run away from it because I'm too afraid to turn it into something mediocre. That's my problem, I'm too perfectionist. I never wanna do something unless I know that I can do it 150%.

#notetoself: C'mon dude! You've came so far. You've been through many things a hell lot worse than this. Pull your self together and crawl back. I wanna see you look at this post in the next 2 months and giggle your goddamn ass for being such a whiny pussy with your Toga! Amen.

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