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September 29, 2011

What's the point?

Good evening everyone. Glad to be back here again with you all reading my whinings and shit lol. But I guarantee you that tonight's post is basically happened to every single one of you. Either at some point of your lives or even at your daily basis. So just chillax, kick back, and enjoy my witing. (sok asik parah)

So, I've been so frustrated for a couple of months. Since I started my 7th semester of my college in august, everything started to and kept going to go downhill. I mean, I'm so messed up academically and emotionally. My pattern of life is simply all over the place. I don't eat well and rest enough. That automatically ruins my sleep cycle. I'm completely blind about my time table. Therefore, it's safe enough to say that I'm screwed right now.

Due to my fucked up life schedule, it affects my body, brain, and soul to work as usual. I ditch every important meetings for something unimportant like Omegle & Chatroulette (don't ask). And oh, I even just got banned from Chatroulette today and forced to do this some kind of 'community service' (don't ask why). See? I did something totally irrelevant to my college score and (intentionally) forgot about my research and my goddamn thesis. I'm like a caveman with an internet connection.

So yeah, I've came to the part of my college in international relations department where we have to do some research for this 'final exam' called "Diplomacy in Practice" which will be a simulation of a general assembly of United Nations. Long story short, I have to represent a country with some of my friends to discuss about a certain issue. Just like they do it in UN, you know diplomatic kind of lobbying and shit, talking in highly advanced english, you know basically it's like a huge meeting of many countries to find a solution about a problem. And that needs SHITLOAD of actual, precise data and information.

In the other hand, I also took a class for my 1st chapter of my thesis called "Seminar". Man, this is one hella son of a bitch I tell ya. This is like the gate of my future. It's like if I started this wrong, I would have been fucking fell flat in misery. Unluckily, I started this way worse than wrong. While everybody was already finding their topics and doing their countless pages of paper since months ago, I somehow managed to get a topic LAST WEEK. Can you imagine that? So yeah, I fucking swim in misery.

With those bitches with me, I have to struggle for other subjects. All I have to do is actually doing research, research, and research. Data, info, references, books, pdf files, journals, and other academic writing shits. But I can't. Idk why, probably I'm just plain lazy. I enjoy more of being a couch potato in front of my TV watching tons of DVD improving my english and near my laptop websurfing all those weird things on earth. However, I still need to get things done for my graduation inquiries. I NEED to graduate real soon. Not that I don't like college life. I merely wanna have a handle bar of education and hold on to it firmly as I continue my 'real' life later on.

I try to enjoy every moment just like they said. But apparently I enjoy more of the fun part. Why the fuck am I even doing here anyway, bitching about this when I know that I have pages of writings to be done? I should've been on Microsoft Word right now instead of on this blog complaining about how much I hate my life. Idk but I just have this feeling that keep telling me that I'm gonna make it through all of these and come out as a winner. (Oh you better be!)

Moreover, I have this urge to finish everything ASAP because I just lost 5 million bucks two days ago. I don't wanna elaborate how, when, and where but one thing for sure I felt extremely bad to my mom and my sister. Since then, I have this strong determination to make them proud as the return of being a dumb ass and losing a huge amount of money.

Now here comes to the conclusion. The entire things above really make me wonder about what's the point?

What is the point exactly? Why do I have to do all that to please my parents? Why do I have to sacrifice my own joy for something I hate the most? Why the hell?

That's what I'm trying to answer these days. I didn't become a caveman in my kost for nothing. I watched DVDs about deep, enlightening movies. I surfed the internet to find good and funny comics/articles about solving problems. I chatted with strangers to get a new perspective of life. Yes, I eventually grow into someone better in a weird kind of way. Now I know the point of my struggle. It is my love to my family. I love my family so much I'm willing to do anything for them. Even though they said that they don't want anything from me, I someday WILL repay them. Raising a boy for 21 years is not an easy thing to do. I owe them my life. That's why I have to keep pushing myself swallowing these bitter pills to cure the disease inside me. That's why I have to loose my ego and embrace my love to them. Because I genuinely love them.

I hope my journey won't stop here at the end of this blog post (and I'll get back to my papers). I also hope you all can find the point of your life and love your family. Live long and prosper, earthlings!

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